The End of the World As We Know It

For all you Doomsdayers out there, your time has come. The world is officially coming to an end. How do I know? Three reasons:

1) North Carolina has a team, actually a part of the National Football League, playing in the Super Bowl. (Yeah, yeah, I know they're called the Carolina Panthers, suggesting that South Carolina has some part-ownership instead of the hangers-on they actually are. The Panthers play in Charlotte, which is solidly in North Carolina, so get over it.)

2) It has now snowed in Paris, where it never snows, not once but THREE TIMES in the PAST MONTH. This is our first winter here so we're not speaking from direct experience, but we have been assured from several true veterans that for it to snow in Paris even once a year is pretty rare. Paris is more known for its interminable drizzle during the winter, and there has been plenty of that, too.

So when the two above events occurred, I was getting rather suspicious that it might be time to be rereading my Nostradamus. Then, the final Horseman of the Apocalypse charged through the door as I heard an utterly unutterable word uttered by an utterly French, utterly Parisian person:

"Frappucino"


Yes, the world shall end, imminently, possibly even sooner, so read quickly. Starbucks has invaded Paris. One opened about a week ago on the Avenue de l'Opera, near the Opera House (which is in OUR arrondissement, but the Starbucks is not), and they say there will be another opening soon on, where else, the Champs Elysees.

Perhaps you feel I am overreacting. After all, aren't there Starbucks everywhere? There are some places in NYC where the Starbucks are so close in proximity that the supply trucks only have to park once. London is absolutely lousy with them, too. So why not Paris? The issue is that Paris culture is built on the coffee house. They've had them for centuries. They are everywhere and the French go there to have a café or an au lait and sit there for HOURS. Paris already had good, overpriced coffee. Also, Starbucks is the newest symbol of the empire-building, steamroller, commercialized, mass-production that we Americans are so famous for. So there's the distrust issue. There are other reasons, but you get the gist.

So, how did the French react to this cataclysmic event? With all of their famous and natural indifference and non-chalance, of course... while they were waiting in a line five blocks long to get into the Starbucks to order their Venté or Grandé. I use the word "line" to mean the best semblance of a line the French can muster, but that's for another blog.

The real fallout is yet to come. Either the Starbucks will quickly go out of business because there are only so many seats and space in a violating-the-fire-code kind of way, because every Parisian will expect to spend hours drinking their coffee sur place. Because coffee-to-go doesn't really exist in France. And for good reason. The drivers are already dangerous enough without a cup of hot coffee in their hand, but the sidewalks would become minefields. The French pedestrians cut in front of, cut off, cut the legs out from under, each other. And when that fails, they just ram into each other. This happens often enough that everyone would soon need skin grafts from coffee scalds and coffee brown would necessarily become the new black for the fashion industry, since everyone would be wearing their coffee anyway. Paris will no longer be safe to walk around in if Starbucks is able to convert the French into foot-traffic customers. So please, pray for its quick demise. Our safety is at stake...